


New Year Party Crack

by idratherhaveyoucursedornot



Series: TSITA Verse [2]
Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, I have a potty mouth though I try to refrain, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:02:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28385184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idratherhaveyoucursedornot/pseuds/idratherhaveyoucursedornot
Summary: Crack to accompany theTSITANew Year’s Party arc ChaptersCharacters and vision belonging toSophismandEphemerys. Castles from theiroriginal workmade into air by yours truly.
Relationships: Lauren Sinclair/Kieran White, William Hawkes/Kym Ladell
Series: TSITA Verse [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026829
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 16 Crack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was so high on being ill when I wrote this that it makes it the perfect crack lol  
> So, I’ll be posting the entirety of the New Year’s Party arc in crack form as well just because.   
> You don’t need to have read the chapters from TSITA to get this crack, well, because it’s _crack_ but I hope you have fun haha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crack dialogue/First insane draft for: [Chapter 16: All the words that leave my tongue](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27247726/chapters/69490668) of [TSITA](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026829)

## Tristan welcoming the Hawkes, Stefan keeps nudging William, Lauren and Kym are hanging out

Stefan: ‘You are dumb, Will, buddy. Little boy, you don’t know shit.’

Will: ‘I only know you don’t even _care_ if mom dies, dad.’

Stefan: ‘Getting edgy, huh? Maybe you could get edgy right over there, where the Darcy girl is?’

Will: ‘I- Hell no- ‘

Tristan: ‘Yo Will, I got your back, slide away. Long time no see, you absolute alligator.’

Stefan: ‘Ah, you know I’m only here cause I had to, you little shit.’

Tristan: ‘You don’t have to be so distant, Stefan.’

Stefan: ‘You don’t have to let your niece run wild, Tristan.’

Tristan: ‘Well it was nice to meet you. Toodles.’

Ren: ‘Yo, Kym. I’ll distract Will’s crocodile dad, and you better get him away?’

Kym: ‘Cross my heart -------- comply.’

Ren: ‘pffft **he ain’t that bad** ’

Kym: glares

Lauren: ‘Yeah, okay he is.’

## Will and Stefan have an argument over it, Kym drags him away as Lauren goes around greeting people

Tristan: ‘JK, though you gotta ease up. You can’t be so old that you don’t remember what it’s like for your child?’

Stefan: ‘Child? Oh, you mean my blonde-haired legacy-carrier? There is no life. There is only legacy.’

Ren: ‘Yo Uncle CRoco- I mean Stefan.’

Stefan: ‘Ah, the human form of the clown emoji? Sup, I guess.’

Ren: ‘It’s _not_ nice to see you _anytime_ but let me say that anyway, just because of _being courteous_ and _respecting your elders_.’

Stefan: ‘You’re trying too hard, sweetie. Maybe when you stop snorting foolery and try to live normally, I’ll actually remember you’re Alex’s daughter.’

Ren: ‘Well, you know me! Let me just blatantly lie about not doing anything illegal. hahahaha’ *nervous laughter*

Stefan: ‘Oh, I’ll just ignore you just because. Will, you should try to be a better person and I’d ask you to help Lauren but that is _impossible_. Even God can’t do shit about it, what with her mother’s temper.’

Will: ‘Oh, hell no, you’re being rude _and_ embarrassing- ’

Kym: ‘Will! I know you’re gonna scream so please stop and dance with me!’

Kym drags Will away, while being curt to Stefan.

Stefan: ‘Who’s this fool, now?’

Tristan: ‘Sergeant Kym Ladell’

Ren: ‘Who you calling fool, bitch? I can’t even. Imma run outta here.’

Kiki: ‘Yo, Chief!’

Ren: ‘FU I’ve never been happier to see your stupid face you asshat.’

Kiki: ‘Gee, thanks?’

Stefan: ‘Ah, well dressed? Check. Manners? Check. Family? Tristan? Whose is he?’

Tristan *whispering to Lauren*: ‘My dear run away with your beloved before he slow roasts your Kiki into oblivion.’

Lauren pulls Kiki away to dance.

Tristan: ‘He’s a -----

Stefan: ‘Sorry? I didn’t hear you?’

Tristan: ‘He’s an ar----

Stefan: ‘Louder bitch!’

Tristan: ‘Archivist, puta!’

Stefan: ‘One seemingly good guy and that too a lowly archivist. Just when I thought Lauren might get better, situation-wise.’

## Kiki greets Tristan and Stefan makes snide comments, Tristan defends Lauren, Kiki shows up and dances with Lauren

Tristan: ‘Oh, come on!’

Stefan: ‘No, but seriously she keeps running around trying to shoot the PS down with a squirt gun? And oh, who’s that she’s dancing with? Some random but very handsome archivist boi?’

Tristan: ‘Whatever bruh, at least she’s not miserable like _someone’s_ son.’

Stefan: ‘Oh, Will’s gonna end up crying. I _know_. But at least he’ll end up crying in a soft bed, and he’ll be alive to be miserable.‘

Tristan: ‘Bro, the FUCK did you say?’

Random dude-dudette: ‘Tristan you got a guest!’

Tristan: ‘Stefan. This convo _ain’t_ over. _Don’t. Walk. Away_.’

Stefan *internally*: ‘wtf did I say that?’

Kiki and Lauren dance


	2. Chapter 17 Crack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I remember writing this and laughing my ass of at making Will swear over something he would let slide in canon? But then again, Will swearing over something that he could easily let slide is just very Cinnamon Roll of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crack dialogue/First insane draft for: [Chapter 17: I hope I’m not my only friend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27247726/chapters/69898848) of [TSITA](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2026829)

## Stefan keeps glaring at them, all four of them, as they dance, Kywi leaves the manor, while Kiki reassures Lauren about her uncle, Lauren tells him that the letter contents are verifiable

Kiki: ‘So, we’re dancing and it’s funny.’

Ren: ‘Stfu you. Oh, btw those dates from your letter match the records.’

Kiki: ‘Damn.’

Ren: ‘What damn?’

Kiki: ‘It’s like, mildly depressing that this is real.’

Ren: ‘True that, but also.’

Lauren stops talking.

Kiki: ?????

Ren: ?????

Kiki: ‘You didn’t finish your sentence.’

Ren: ‘Uncle Tristan’s PS.’

Kiki: ‘Pretty savage?’

Ren: ‘What- Phantom sCYTHE!’ *looks at people staring in her direction*‘I mean, sight! What a sight for sore eyes!’ *whispering to Kieran* ‘He might be an apostle.’

Kiki: ‘That’s what your letter said?’

Ren: ‘Don’t start with me istg, I told you because it’s relevant but it was tough for me, man, you know?’

Kiki: ‘Oh, no. I was gonna say my bad cause you must be going cray cray.’

Ren: ‘Thanks, I _am_ going cray cray over it.’

Kiki: ‘I’m sure he must have his reasons.’

Ren: ‘ _See_ , I want to believe that, but he is the Chief? How can he _not_ not-associate with PS? And if even _he_ is being messed around with? What can the both of _us_ even do?’

Kiki looks at her with pity.

Ren: ‘Yet, he has never lied to me, and he wants PS to die in a hole and shit, but he is a part of all that? Or at least that’s what the letter said.’

Kiki: ‘You look lost.’

Ren: ‘I don’t know what to believe anymore.’

Kiki: ‘Why would you tell me that?’

Ren: ‘Because despite everything you’ve done, everything you are, you’re the only one that has been any real help to me.’

Kiki: ‘Don’t wanna be a broken record, but I am sorry for everything. I follow my own rules, and I promise you that you’ll live to see PS dismantled.’

They stop dancing. uwu moment cause why not

Kym and Will slide close to them as they dance.

Kym: ‘Mistletoe you idiots.’

Stefan *glaring at Will*: ‘Will. Will. I’m telepathically telling you to come right here this instant & instead of dancing with your Sergeant(?) dance with that something Darcy!’

Will: ‘Oh, shit, my dad’s glaring at me.’

Kym: *internal screaming *‘He looks harmless?’

Will: ‘Bruh if he had X ray vision, we’d be last year’s turkey sandwiches?’

Kym: ‘Then, let’s get him to stop glaring?’

Will: ‘How?’

Kym: ‘Get out of the manor.’

Will: ‘I’m pretty sure it’s gonna snow soon.’

Kym: ‘So?’

Will: ‘It’ll be fucking cold?’

Kym: ‘Colder than Papasicle’s glare from twenty feet far?’

Will: ‘You got a point.’

Kym drags Will outside as he looks not at all apologetically in his dad’s direction.

Stefan: ‘William!!!!’ *still telepathically*

Tristan: ‘Geez, Louise.’

Stefan: ‘AH TRISTAN FU- Oh, hello sir.’ *greets the newcomer beside Tristan*

Sir Doyle: ‘Hello, you dimwit.’

Tristan *introducing the newcomer* : ‘It’s the OG Perfection, Doyle.’

Meanwhile, Kiki’s blushing.

Kiki: ‘Ah, well., it’s not like we have to –‘

Interrupting him, Lauren kisses his cheek.

Ren: ‘Thank you.’

Kiki: ‘Always.’

uwu moment part 2

Ren: ‘And I think I might have to save my uncle from getting harassed by my other uncle. He seems to be calling me.’

Kiki: ‘Can’t believe that mean meathead is Will’s dad. Will is sunshine incarnate.’

Ren: ‘He takes after aunt Jo.’

Kiki: ‘That makes sense.’ 

## Kywi finally decides why Lauren is their safe topic of conversation, Will tells Kym about his mother and Kym tells him about her brother

Will and Kym walk to the benches at the far end of the garden of Sinclair Manor.

Kym: ‘Man, your dad’s horrible. I bet you take after your mom. But please don’t turn out to be like him when you’re old. Oo btw I didn’t see your mother.’ 

Will: ‘She’s bedridden sick.’

Kym *internal screaming*: BAD TOPIC FUCK CONVO ABORT

Kym: ‘Ren and Kiki, T totes adorbs, amiright?’

Will: I need to talk to you.

Will sits on the bench, patting the spot next to him for Kym. Kym sits down as well.

Will: ‘Okay so don’t kill me but I read the file on your brother.’

Kym: *shocked pikachu meme*

Will: ‘I didn’t mean to--- Well, fuck that, I did mean to because I was worried about you, and I realized that even though you’ve always been a good friend to me, I haven’t done the same.’

Kym smiles.

Will: ‘We’ve known each other for over two years and it’s like, Ren is the safe topic, you know? WE can talk all about her and it’s okay, but we never talk to each other, for real matters. And I’m sorry for always pushing you away.’

Kym: ‘Well, to be fair I did always make a mess for you.’

Will: ‘And I did scold you all the time.’

Kym: ‘You despised me all that time!’

Will: ‘Well, I still do sometimes.’

Kym hits him in the ribs.

Will: ‘But I also recognize OG sentiments when I see them. Ye a real one, Kym.’

Kym: ‘You’re forgiven for being a nosy little shit.’

Will: ‘I wanna be honest with you, and I was the nosy one so let me start. My mom’s almost dying, my dad is killing me with trying to find Lune and simultaneously be some prodigy and get married to some random girl. And I don’t want any of that.’

Kym: ‘You _are_ a prodigy. Then, what _do_ you want?’

Will: ‘I want to do good just for the hell of it. I don’t want to lose my mom. And I surely don’t wanna get married to some stranger by 25.’

Kym: ‘Oh, so you’d be fine with getting married with a not-stranger by 25?’

Will: ‘Kym, I want to live my for myself. I want to do my job, and spend more time with you. Lauren. All of you.’

Kym: ‘So, it’s my turn now? Alrighty. My older bro, Dani died in the aftermath of ATST, and was probably killed by PS lunatics. The watch is his. He was shot to death, and the watch likely broke in the impact. I always thought he was a hero. I still do, but after losing him I lost all my faith. With time, I realized that a hero is someone who steps up to do the right thing. He didn’t even have his rounds in that place.’

Will: *stares at Kym*

Kym: ‘I always think what if? And it’s fucking sad. The police never found who shot him, and I tried to find the culprit and failed’

Will: *opens his mouth to speak*

Kym: ‘Don’t ask me how. So, I keep going over his file ever since we found out about PS’s plans. I keep thinking WWDD: What would Dani do?’

Will puts his jacket on Kym. Kym looks at him, shocked.

Will: ‘Leave it up to you to go wild, and not even remember to bring a jacket. The bane of my existence.’

Kym laughs.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos fuel the fire of my writing forges ;)


End file.
